The only thing for certain in an uncertain CFL is that Winnipeg is going to be B-A-D. Other than that, it’s a wide open season that any team – .500 record or worse – can win!
It’s a good thing Tim Tebow wishes to avoid playing in the CFL because he’d be set up for massive failure if he chose to come north.
To whom it may concern,
I am applying today for the job you posted on Twitter Tuesday afternoon for the position of president and CEO of the Edmonton Eskimos Football Club. While I don’t have any previous experience as an actual Chief Executive Officer of anything ever, I have placed second in my NFL.com football fantasy league three years running which I think nearly over-qualifies me for a CFL position. It’s also true that I’ve been a Calgary Stampeders fan for over two decades now and have in that time pretty much come to hate everything your club and it’s fans are about, but I actually feel this works to my benefit as you’ll be getting a true fresh face with new ideas and an ‘outside-the-box’ way of thinking.
Lets be honest, the ol’ shine on the Eskimo glory years has clearly worn off and I’d be the right guy for the job at the right time. You guys have probably done nothing but hire “Eskimo fans” in the past or people who at least liked the Eskimos even before you hired them. Not so with me, although rest assure the moment that first sweet paycheck rolls through I am the biggest Eskimo fan you’ll ever see.
(Sorry Stamps, but you had your chance to hire me when I offered my services as Jeremaine Copeland’s choreographer and you never got back to me. That ship has now sailed…)
Anyway, as you’d find out Eskimos I have some revolutionary ideas to bring the Eskimos back to the once coveted status of “flagship franchise of the CFL” and some of these ideas include:
– Block Danny Maciocia’s name on call display. To cover all my bases I’d also block “D. Maciocia” and “Danny M.” as well. I do understand that the latter may prevent Danny McManus from calling in as well, but lets face it… he’s probably very much used to having his attempts to complete something intercepted.
– I’d hire Matt Dunigan as head coach and once the team starts losing more games than it wins, I’d ‘promote’ him to be the new offensive coordinator as well. Near the end of the season once it becomes apparent that the club is going nowhere fast, I’ll super-promote him to be the team’s defensive coordinator as well seeing as how he can’t possibly have too many jobs. At the last home game of the season I’ll make him head BBQ chef as well for the 30,000 or so people that will attend the game. I don’t see how this plan could possibly go wrong ever.
– I’d take down Tracy Ham’s name from the ring of honor because he caused me all kinds of heartache – not to mention a lighter wallet at times – back when I was in highschool. Seeing his name up there would probably just make me weep gently and lets face it, neither you nor I want to see that happen. To suitable replacement for Ham’s name would likely be Kerwin Bell who was always a source of amusement for me and many non-Eskimos fans – although I sure he wasn’t supposed to be.
– You know how Saskatchewan Roughrider fans stick watermellons on their heads and are known as “Mellon-heads”? I feel that’s a great marketing idea and all great ideas should be copied over and over. My proposal is that we tie a couple of painted green and yellow walnuts to a tinfoil hat – making it easily adjustable – that Eskimo fans can wear and adopt the name “Nut-heads” … as an off shoot idea,we could have halftime games where fans could sort out nuts laid out on a table into different offensive formations and call the game “nut-jobs” and fans could also carry around a small crate of nuts that would be called – you guessed it – “nut-cases!”
– One of my first acts would be to use team funds to buy the local pro baseball team and then sell them to a pitching legend from Texas for a slight profit and watch him take that team away from the city it’s been in for years and at the same time crush the feelings of baseball fans in the area, while we used the profit from that sale to get some new carpets for the dressing room and a wooden locker stalls with fewer splinters in them… Ya know on second thought now that I’ve spelled that out, that’s a horrible idea and if I ever did do it, it would be downright pathetic and so not like the “Eskimo Way” I’ve heard for years about that preaches loyalty to players and fans. Forget I even mentioned it…
– Back to the marketing ideas… I really don’t think anyone can identify with being an “Eskimo” and quite honestly it’s a negative stereotype us fine Edmonton citizens are trying to shed. The mascot as well is a polar bear? This just doesn’t work for me and we’d need to look into changing it. Ya know what does work for me and many people though? Horses. People LOVE horses! You know who doesn’t love horses? Terrorists.
– Also the colors… Green and yellow (you’ll never convince me that it’s “gold”) are so very 80s and out-of-date and they might need to change as well. Red, white and black are the ‘in’ colors now and not only convey national pride but a sense of true power. I’m just sayin…
I’m sure these ideas have you all very excited about the future I can bring to the club and the fact you’re still reading this and not on the phone with me already trying to arrange our first meeting is quite astonishing. Anyway I’ll leave my letter at this point for now because I am actually waiting by the phone for you to call me and offer me the job because I am sure I am the perfect candidate.
I’ll talk to you very soon.
PS: Is it possible to have Ricky Ray fetch me a bag of Old Dutch chips every afternoon about 3ish? That would be very amusing to me.
PPS: I have a very comfy couch so I have no problem waiting here for your call.
PPPS: Is it bad form to still hate the Oilers if I become the Eskies Prezzie? I don’t have to like both teams do I? I feel liking the Eskimos would already be a huge sacrifice for the job.
PPPPS: Seriously, I’m waiting by the phone 24/7 so please call already.
I don’t get why I am so damn happy about this. Hell I’m not just happy, I’m actually kind of giddy about it and I have no clue why really.
The return of the NHL to Winnipeg. Call them the Jets, call them the Moose or Falcons I don’t really care (yes I do, call them the Jets) as long as the first part of that team name is ‘Winnipeg’ or ‘Manitoba’ (but seriously, stick with Winnipeg) then I am fine with that.
For the last however many years that Phoenix Coyotes thing has been happening and the entire time we’ve been teased with “they may move back.. they may move back…” and I kept thinking “meh whatever, doesn’t affect me any and really I’ll believe the NHL is coming back when they drop the puck in Winnipeg and not a moment earlier…”
Well I’ll be damned.